Because I said I would

A short word on appearances. This year, for Lent, I decided to give up anxiety. Now, at first I was foolish enough to believe that I could give the thing up entirely -- at least, that it was possible. I had no doubt that I would myself break this "fast" (I am, especially not lately, very good with things of discipline), but I did think that it was possible.

I'm now coming to realize that anxiety is not necessarily by nature bad, to be avoided, or "given up" entirely. But what I've seen in the 30-odd days of Lent so far this year is that I do not have to be terrorized by it.

Someone once said within my earshot that anxiety is a good thing because it motivates you to get things done. This has not been my experience. Take my taxes, for example. I hate taxes. Not because I dislike the government, or because I don't like math, or because I am expecting to have to pay lots and lots of money (I'm actually expecting to get lots and lots back). I just hate doing my taxes. It's just one of those things.

So something that I am anxious about, is that I haven't yet done my taxes for 2006... or for 2005. But does this help me to get them done? It hasn't yet.

What Lent seems to have helped me with this year is to be Aware of the things that I am anxious about. When I am in thoughtful mode, and I start to get anxious, what I've learned to do is stop and think about what my body is reacting to. Sometimes there is a good reason behind my anxious feelings, and so I try and pay attention to what is going on, and make good decisions to so that I take care of myself, or others, depending on the situation. (The key word is "try", even though sometimes I don't try very hard.) Once I've done what I can to alieviate the situation I can be confident that I don't need those anxious feelings, and I can put them to rest. Other times I am being anxious for no good reason, and my worries are a non-issue. In these cases, I can also put those anxious thoughts and feelings to rest, because I've thought it through and I don't need them.

I said I was going to talk about appearances. Being mindful about what makes me anxious has shown me how concerned I am with appearances. I used to say that I didn't care what people thought of me. I said that because I thought that my friends and the rest of the world would look down on me if I did care. Slightly ironic, eh? Don't get me wrong, I don't LIKE to care about what people think. It's one of those annoying habits I can't get rid of. It sucks because it sometimes stops me from posting on blogs, and makes me aware of what I put on my profile on Facebook. Today when I was at home (sick) & napping I had stress dreams about Facebook and all the pictures that my friends from high school were posting about how cool they were.

One great thing about Lent is that 40 days is long enough that once it is done, you don't necessarily have to go back to your "normal" way of life. When I gave up chocolate one year, once Lent was over I didn't eat nearly as much of the stuff once it was over. I am trusting that being aware of my anxiousness will have rooted itself at least somewhat in my silly self over these weeks, so that in general I can put this good habit into practice.

And perhaps next year for Lent I will give up caring what other people think.

I think I am Alergic to Work: a short post

It's friday afternoon, my second day back to work from a vacation, and *ugh* I am feeling like crap. My throat is sore, I am tired, and I have to stay for another half an hour. :(

This makes me think that I MUST be allergic to work, because the day before I went on my vacation (home to Alberta for a week) the *EXACT* same thing happened. About noon, my throat started to hurt and it got progressively worse until it was time to leave.

Thankfully it is the weekend, and although I will be sleeping outside (camping: yipee!!), I hope to drink lots of tea and sit in the sun and read my book until I feel better.

A short post for a change, that's all for now.

Z.

p.s. will try and post some pics from camping if I get any gooders

I almost forgot about blogging

Okay, so the title of this post isn't entirely true, but it has been a while. For all of us. (Christy, you did post not too long ago, but you've had so many interesting things happening which you haven't even mentioned so I feel that you are not exempt.)

Yes, it's true that I haven't been blogging lately, but thankfully I do have the ever-present backup excuse of being "busy". [As a side note, in Vancouver (or any big city really), you don't really have to be busy yourself to be able to use this excuse, but simply by virtue of being steeped in the ever-present busy-iness that IS this city, you inherit it. It's one of the many benefits of living in a big city which I am uncovering. (Slight tongue-in-cheek here.)]

In all seriousness, I have been busy. Surprisingly so, given a wierd quasi-lethargy (some may call it laziness) which I somehow adopted somewhere between my bouncy ever-active high-school self and the self I call my own these days. Perhaps it is a returning to the old, coming full circle, or, as Keats would put it (some of you may remember if from the Enigma song too), a return to innocence. Or perhaps I am over-dramatizing and I am just deciding to be more active.

In any case I have found myself running off my feet in the last weeks. Having volunteered myself to help coordinate summer social activities at our church, I am writing endless emails, and making up posters and sign up sheets; one event isn't even started before 3 others need to be ramping up. I've also signed up as a volunteer kayaker with an adventure therapy organization, and have been playing Ultimate frizbee once a week, and volleyball twice a week at work. On top of my 50 hours a week of work+commuting. I'm very excited to be doing all of these things, so I hope I don't sound like I am complaining.

It is also my birthday tomorrow (Hooray!!) and I am going to be TWENTY-FIVE! I am actually quite excited about turning 25, I don't really like the number 24, and it wasn't that great of a year anyways. For my birthday I'm hosting a "non-BBQ" in the back common area of my apartment. (We are not allowed to barbeque on the patio, so I am cooking burgers inside & bringing them out.) Hopefully I'll get some good pics to post. It looks like a whole wack of great people are coming, so it promises to be a good time.

In other news I've finally got to getting my new camera (woohoo!) hooked up to my computer. Yes, it really doesn't take that much effort. I'm just slow. So I've got a few pictures of my new place & for those who haven't seen it yet. Here are some:



The "living" area



My eating table / study corner



The (gas) fireplace -- yes, it works!!!



The kitchen (gas stove too!) -- note the worm composter under the kitchen table :)



Last, but noy least the bathroom -- you can't see it, but that's a clawfoot tub & funky-tiled floor. :)


The couch in the living room shot is definitley a futon. And definitely sleep-able. Doesn't it make you all want to come visit?

homecomings

So i just got back from a weekend away to the ol' Alberta. Yep, back to the home country for May Long. (Or, as some of the boys used to call it May 2-4 -- not because it usually (always?) falls on the 24th, but because it isn't uncommon to drink at least a 2-4 (24 pack of beer) over the course of the weekend.)

Having grown up there, heading to Alberta was, of course, a homecoming. And this was true even though my destination was Edmonton -- a city i have spent a sum total of less than 10 days in. I was there visiting a couple of very good friends from waaaaay back (i.e. high school) Taylor (aka Jen Taylor) and Lisa. It was a great low-key Albertan long weekend: sleeping in, staying up late (yes, with a little bit of booze), watching hockey, going to shows, going to the art gallery, hitting the lake, shopping in funky downtown shops, eating, eating out, eating out some more, enjoying that Albertan sun. Yeah, it was good. And especially good to hang out with the girls and just be together.

When there I had a few thoughts about this "home" country of cattle and oil and privatized health care, and how it is so different from this new home - Vancouver. So I'll share a couple. One I realized in the airport in talking with another Edmontonion-come-Vancouverite. And that is that virtually EVERYONE is white. Ok, so it wasn't totally true. I was actually impressed by the ethnic diversity I saw there, but there were a lot more white people than here in Vancouver.

Another thing that really struck me was how much more relaxed the Albertan city was about their dress. No one seemed overly made up, or even aware of what other people thought of their ensemble. Personally, I really appreciate this. For one, I like to be able to walk down the street and not feel like I am in the midst of a fashion show. And it makes people SO much more approachable. Doesn't it? I do like dressing up myself, but don't like feeling as if I have to. As if I won't fit in unless I do. As if I have to take a shower and put on something nice before I leave the house, even to go to the grocery store.

But though there are parts of Vancouver that frustrate me, I have to say that there were actually a couple of times during my trip that I caught myself thinking of my apartment here in Vancouver and missing it. And (this actually quite impressive given how I have felt about Vancouver in the past months), I didn't have a single sinking feeling in my stomach in the airport on my way back here. When I arrived, a cool 14 degree rain welcomed me, and I actually appreciated it; like heading back AB for the weekend, coming off the plane into Vancouver almost felt like a real homecoming too.

Am I allowed to have more than one city as home? More than one province even? (And if I wasn't, who would have made the rule to disallow, and do they enforce it?) Share your thoughts.

A brief 'whats up'

This should pretty much become the Zoe blog. I'm going to blame or credit that to her job. She is constantly on a computer. I would write more but the truth of the matter is I'm so confused about my life that I don't know where to begin. And my life is so different and busy I just don't look at everything from the satire perspective that I use to. So, I can't write the funny things I use to. I feel like I work so much and nothing much ever gets accomplished and I'm beginning to go through life like a zombie. But, I'm not bitter yet. Once I get bitter, I know I have a major problem. The good news is I have to go to a wedding in June in Manitoba so I will be able to remove myself from this world for a while.
Alright, that is super depressing. Don't worry, just getting it out of my system. I should probably start a diary. That might help me organize my thoughts.

mmmmm squid

so this is a super-short post in which i will tag (is that correct blogcabulary?) melanie's blog in which she posted (with awesome pictures!) about our trip to Shabusen. This place is a fantastic all-you-can-eat sushi & korean barbeque place where we went for her soon-to-be birthday. It was *really* great food, and a super-cool experience because we ordered lots of funky-interesting food and got to use an open grill in the center of the table to cook it ourselves!

Platinum Blonde: look for today's (Friday May 19th) post.

it was lots of fun, and definitely well worth checking out.

z.

p.s. I'm getting a digitial camera!! M. got a new one from Nathan (hubby) for her birthday, so she is donating her old one to me! Yay for posting pictures on the blog!! Thanks Melanie!

i love summer

I was going to write a short post entitled "going to bed early" which was simply going to state that instead of blogging I was going to choose to go to bed early. (This was going to be a *good* decision.) But I thought that would probably be entirely un-interesting.

So instead I'll talk about the AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS day we had today in Vancouver. Oh my goodness. I don't care what day is the official first day of summer, today was *DEFINITELY* it in my mind. Today was the kind of day that as soon as the breath of outside air hits your face you know by the perfect temperature, and by the distinct smell of grass mixed with several indistinguishable sweet smells hitting your nose-buds (are there such things??), that summer has most definitely arrived.

Standing at the bus stop instead of wanting to stand in the sun to soak up all the rays I could, I wanted to stand in the shade to keep cool. When I got home and hopped into the shower my arms told me that summer was here too -- as the water hit them they felt a little tight. And when I looked at them they were definitely more red below where my t-shirt sleeve hung. I can tell that summer has arrived too because my eyes have that slightly streched feeling that they get when they have seen much of the sun.

I love these new-old feelings. They remind me of hot days and cold drinks, of camping and summer holidays and swimming at the beach. I can't wait.

hard to concentrate

I'm finding it a little hard to concentrate today. So, as it was pointed out to me earlier in the day that it has been 2 weeks since I last posted, I thought that since I'm not getting any work done, I may as well do something about it.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about so I surfed some of my fave blogs for some inspiration. I found myself at the Abarbablog. Their blog is great, and if you haven't ever been, it's well worth the visit (I am sure that I have recommended it before). Anyways, I must admit that it has been a while since I've been there (sorry Katelyn) but one post that caught my eye -- mainly because of it's title -- was this one. God. It was written by Ron, who in many ways I look to as a kind of spiritual father-figure. And with this post I remembered why I look up to him so much. One thing that I admire about Ron is that he practices honesty towards God: frustration, anger, whatever. (Ok, so he wasn't being particularly pissy with God in this post at all, but he was honest.)

He wrote about waiting on God, and his words (and the words of the Big Book that he quoted) pierced me as nothing but clean, honest truth can do.

Hearing people's honesty with God and with themselves always makes me inspired to do the same. I guess you could say that I am frustrated with God right now. Why? Well partly because I am finding it so hard to concentrate today. Partly because I am frustrated with the father he's given me. And partly because I don't feel like he has been a particularly present father to me himself lately. (Whatever happened to omnipresent?) I feel a bit bad about complaining, but then I remember what my old officemate said to me once that complaining (i think he used another word that started with a 'b') helps you to articulate what you are feeling. So, sorry, but I gotta vent.

Really though, where IS God when he's not present. WHY does he have to be so distant?? Sigh. I think that if I were really honest, I would probably end up in a heap of frustrated tears on the floor. Thank goodness for social norms and office etiquette, for your sake I'm staying right here in my chair.

But I know I can't stay in this place of complaining. It's good to be honest about one's feelings, but you've also got other things to do. For example, as Isaiah pointed out "There is a lot of celebrating that can happen in the waiting." So this is my new task for the day (work apparently is being put on hold for a bit): Find a bunch of good things about my day and celebrate them.

Here's a short list to start:
1) It's Friday(!) and the weekend is coming sooooo soon. (Like 10 minutes soon!)
2) I'm going to a tai chi class tonight after work with my friend Luc, and I can tell already that I am going to love it
3) I've got some GREAT friends here in Vancouver, and I'm excited about hanging out with some of them this weekend
4) My new apartment is SOOO good. (Hopefully pictures will come soon.)

That was fantastically easy and satisfying. I'd recommend it to anyone.
Well, now I've got to get back to work for a few minutes before heading to a little post-work Tai Chi.

A Dios.

Hello all

What's up people? I too am feeling a bit homesick Zoe. I love Juarez but sometimes I just miss my other life up in Canada. Life is crazy here. Crazy is Ok, its just also intense. Remember what we were doing this time last year. We were doing the urban plunge in Vancouver.

And here is home sweet home.






Here's another great picture of us.
















This is just too cute.

I believe we called them the PIEHEADS.

Oh how I miss you.






And a great shot of Nova Scotia.

Have a great day everyone.

plenty of time to blog

Ok. One thing I'm positive that this blog lacks is pictures. I'm doing my part in moving towards remedying this by making motion towards buying a digital camera, but these kinds of decisions take time. Especially in my world.

So instead I was looking at what pictures I already have on my computer and came across a bunch from our LQ year, in particular, some that I downloaded from Susana's camera near the end of the year. We had some fantastic times. It is funny how at the time of some of the most memorable moments you are totally unaware that good memories are being made. For example, I was looking at some shots from a winter retreat we went on with the campus group, and realized that some of the best moments were when we were relaxing around the table playing cards and just being our goofy selves.

I miss you all so very much! So to facilitate the reminiscing, I've included a few of my favourite shots, with the reasons why I like them so much.

A candid shot. Sus, Joanne, and Ruth. Relaxed and genuinely amused by whatever is happening at the other end of the table (Adam??). There was a lot of good laughter that night.

I don't even remember what game we were playing, but I do remember laughing with abandon until i could feel all my stomach muscles.

This was some silly game that Ron had come up with. I was a bit skeptical, but I love this shot because of the serious way we're looking at each other (even though I know it was kind of a silly moment).

Does anyone remember what Ron was doing??

Susana. I think you look good here.

CHRISTY! I don't have any shots of you from that night so I had to include this one from the day we went on a sleigh ride. There were so many good times that weekend.

Sus, I love this one because it shows your beautiful "I don't care what you think" spirit. I love that part of you.

One of the things that we were laughing at so hard that night was the ridiculous pictures Ron was taking of himself with Susana's camera.


A little more than a tad scary...

There are a ton more pictures that I would have liked to include, so there may have to be another of these reminiscing picture-posts. But for now, I hope you enjoy these!

Oh. And the reason for the title of this blog is that I am home sick today (for the 2nd day in a row). As I spent all of yesterday asleep and resting my body, today has been left open for a few naps and some time on the ol' laptop.

Btw, I think our site needs a shot of the three of us to add a little personality to it. What do people think of this one?

footwashing and digression

6:42pm. Blogger finally finished republishing the index. I'm at work. Digressing (my life is full of digressions), and missing out on some footwashing. I was going to be late anyways.

Since I don't have a computer at home right now I thought I'd publish what I have of a new template before the weekend starts. It's not finished yet, but I welcome any comments.

Here's what I predict of reactions to it:
Christy will love it (bright and colorful -- exciting!!)
Susana will hate it (too much color. ugh)
Katelyn will like it, but will right away find things I should fix. You have a good eye Katelyn.
Jeff will say that he doesn't like it as he's never satisfied. (I know, he's my boss.)

I think that was everyone who left a comment about the template.

Anyhoo, let me know what you think.

Happy Maunday Thursday

new thought

Ok. So I have another thought. How about using this one:



and changing the colours a bunch. What I like about this one:
- still has the center column for text
- has space at the top for images (which i definitely think we need)
- the white border around all the different boxes is cool - keeps things separated

The only thing is that it's kind of boring. This'd be fixed up if we changed the titles to be something funky and maybe added a border between posts.

I dunno, but I definitely think that none of these are perfect and that I need to at least tweak it myself before I can be satisfied with whichever one we choose.

rounders greenish

So a mixed reaction on the orange.



What about this one? Colour's a little dull, eh?

One of the reasons I like these ones is that the reading space is contained to the center of the page. It makes it easier on the eyes.

thisaway orange

Thanks for your comment Katelyn.
Is this the kind of orange that you hate?



I'm not a big fan of what i consider "tacky orange" (bright bright orange) either. I kind of like this one though. It's more like a pumpkin than an orange. What do you think, is it "muted"?

I do want to listen to readers' comments -- if you hate the site layout/colous who will read the blog?

need a new template: please comment

hi all.
well actually, this post is more for dialogue between the three of us, but anyone is welcome to share their opinion.

i mentioned before that i think we should change the template. it's pretty hard to read, and well, to be frank, is kind of ugly. (i can say that because i think it was me that picked this one plain black one.)

so i've got a couple if ideas. there's the orange one which i like partly because LQ reminds me of orange, and because it's pretty, well layed out and readable. then there's the jellyfish one which i also kind of like, but is pretty wide. Those would be my 2 suggestions, but there are a ton to choose from from inside the blogger site.

let me know what you think. the great thing about my new job is that i can tweak any of these templates to suit our fancy. (i could even make us one of our own, but that would take much time and effort.)

ciao!
p.s. if you don't comment within a week i will take it to mean that you don't check the blog and don't care therfore i will change it to whichever one i feel like. :)

Moving... i think

So it's pretty much official: I'm moving apartments.

I have been thinking about moving from my current apartment for a while, and talking about it for even longer than that (I do a lot of talking without thinking first), and now have finally got the guts to get on with it. May 1. Hopefully it will be to a place just down the street which is pink and quaint and 1930's and has a nice bit of character to it (i LOVE character in buildings). Oh, and rent is pretty reasonable too.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with my apartment now. It's great. (And if anyone is looking for a place in central Vanc. with a gorgeous view and big bright windows for May 1, then I'm your hookup.) ...BUT it IS darned expensive, and it doesn't quite feel like home.

So the plan, if all works out, is that I'll be able to start moving in on April 15th (conveniently, the day my parents will be rolling into town with their 1/2 ton Albertan pickup truck) but will have till May 1 to have all of my things out of the old place.

I'm headed to take a second peek at it tonight with Melanie, so will post some pics if M brings her digitial camera.

ttfn!

I can go on!

~yet another work-time post~
Just got back to my desk after a game of foosball (yes, I should be working) and was totally not motivated to get to work. Not that today was an especially bad or boring day (it was actually quite exciting with an important meeting an a team lunch out) but I just didn't feel like doing anything. Checked my cell phone and got not one, but 2 (two!) messages from two totally awesome friends. So thank you to Steven Klaasen and to Ruth (I got their messages in that order) for bringing my day around full circle. I now feel like I can get down to work for another hour until I have to leave.

As an aside, I'll tell a little bit about what I'm working on. (Just a bit as I am now so very motivated to be working.) Right now I'm revamping the GUI (that's Graphical User Interface for all you non-techies) of a computer system which the company built a while ago so that it looks presentable for a demo that some of the business people are doing next month. Basically it involves making pretty (adding colour, fixing fonts and layout) a program that was definitely designed by engineers. I'd post some screenshots, but I don't know if that's allowed.

Anyhoo gotta get back to work. But I do hope that i get to talk to both of my good friends soon. (Steven I hope you don't mind me calling you a 'good' friend. We've only hung out a couple of times, but I can tell already that you are worthy of being called 'good' at being a friend.)

hello jeff

This is going to be a quick post as I am at work and it is during working hours.

Apparently anyone can access a website through the internet.

I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago when I overheard the words "your officemate" and "has a blog" being spoken to my officemate Ben. I pulled off my headphones with my ears ringing. I demanded that Jeff explain what he was talking about.

Apparently if you go to finance.google.com, search for my company ('mda' works), and check out the "other blogs" link at the bottom of the blogs section, you'll find a link to my post "vancouver ho!".

So this post is for Jeff -- thanks for not sending the link out to the whole team (or the whole company). And for Ben too: thanks for being the kind of guy who wouldn't do such a thing. It makes me a little bit wierded out that any of you can now read all of the things I've written on this blog, but I guess you (or anyone else) could have done that anyways.

Did a quick google search on "zoe + blog + vancouver" and didn't find any links to our site in the first 15 pages, so that's a bit of a relief anyways.

not the only one

I MUST defend myself. But I've only got 3 minutes...

So I haven't been posting so much. BUT there's a good reason. My silly laptop is broken (screen backlight is acting up again, rather acting down -- not working at all). Sooooo, that's my excuse. And a pretty good one.

How, you may ask, am I typing this blog? I'm at work. I generally try not to stay after work too late (this is a new *discipline* i'm trying to practice), so blogging is generally tough.

On another note it was GORGEOUS outside in vancouver today. I'll add an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend this morning.

"As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes this morning at 6:30 the sun was already out, promising a gorgeous beginning to the first day of spring. As I left my apartment and walked out to the bus stop, I was welcomed into the day by the sun`s bright shining and the beginnings of the smells of springtime. It is indeed a beautiful day. Vancouver being mild as it is, has been green in places for most of the winter, but a new greeness is sprouting in the new leaves and buds on the trees and bringing with it excitement and expectation of warmth and life, and a renewed reason for hope."

Hope it is just as sunny where you are today.
z.

I guess I'm the only one posting

Hello all! I miss you all and Canada. Sometimes Texas and Mexico are just a little to much. What is a person to do when they are homesick. If only I felt like having a real job and living a normal life. But alas, I love adventure and don't want to settle. I definitely have a fear of commitment.
Its cold in Mexico today, like 9C and very windy. So, I wish today I wasn't here. Oh life! So, what's going on in all your lives? I think that you should all post comments and tell me how your doing and then I will get a taste of home. Besides this is also a great idea because we don't do post so much so you could make our site more active. Just so you know, I appreciate you all and am interested in your lives.

Good Morning

Hello

So, I woke up this morning with a cold. Actually, let me start with last night. It is spring in Juarez which means we have wind storms. The winds were going 50 miles an hour which is like 80 km an hour (I think). Super windy and of course it means sand storms. There is sand everywhere and in everything. Anyway, I get nightmares that the wind will pick up my car and take it away or it will rip the roof off of my house. All possible, but didn't happen. Anyway, I don't think I really slept until like 3 when the wind finally went down. And then I woke up at 5 with a sore throught. You known when you go to bed feeling fine and then the next morning you feel like total crap. That's me this morning. So, felt sick and was like, I should stay in bed, but I felt so uncomfortable that by 6:30 I got up. I wish my day wasn't busy today, so I could go back to bed, but it is and I will just have to deal and eat a lot of halls. Hopefully it will pass by Saturday because I have to host a team next week.

On a brighter note. I went on a Holy Spirit retreat this weekend. It was really good and relaxing. I went up into the mountains of New Mexico which has trees and water. Very beautiful.

another vancouver saturday

today i saw more of vancouver than i have in a long time. this morning i took the skytrain back from new westminster after having stayed the night with friends out there, and though it was kind of cloudy had a good view of some of the lower mainland. i was surprised once again at how beautiful ALL of this area is, not just the mountains and the ocean on the westside. it was great coming back from my night 'away' and as i was riding along, felt like i was seeing this place through the eyes of a tourist; it reminded me a lot of visiting england and taking the train there.

lunch (originally was breakfast, but got delayed) consisted of me hosting my sister megs, her friend rebecca and rebecca's dad ross (or russ, he had an accent so i couldn't tell which it was) for eggs benedict. rebecca and i have been talking for months about her giving me a couch that was sitting in her garage, and this weekend it finally happened. to express my thanks, i attempted to cook them a delicious breakfast. this mostly succeeded. the hollandaise sauce gets an 'E' for effort; it was nice and creamy until they arrived, but unfortunately with the distraction it went all curdly when i stopped whisking it. :( the asparagus was also a little overcooked, but all aside, it went well. this is mostly because they were VERY gracious, and because their company was FANTASTIC. Ross (russ?) is a doctor and the head of something big in the world of medicine in BC, and is a hilarious and down to earth man -- very personable. Rebecca (whose first impression did not endear her to me) takes after her dad, and we had some great discussions about her passion - environmental conservation. And I love being able to hang out with Megs too. It was definitely the lunch that I've had at in my apartment in current memory.

in the afternoon i took a trip to the downtown east side, where i met a bunch of the UBC Navs who were participating in a workday at a community house down there. i haven't really spent any time down there since our LQ 'plunge' last may (see earlier posts), but as i walked down the familiar streets, 'colorful' for more than just the many posters and shopfronts, i realized that i really missed it. there is a certain rawness to the place which i absolutely love. i think its because i can feel God there more than i can in most other places in this city. down there i can see Life Unashamed, life in all its ugliness and its glory.

the evening was beer and hockey at a neigbourhood pub with a friend from high school and a couple of his buddies. All in all i guess that makes for a pretty full (and good) day.

sorry for the long post (again). must put 'brevity' on my todo list. :)

Lent

I awoke this morning with a certain heaviness in my heart. Today is the first day after Ash Wendesday, the second day in this season called Lent.

It is raining today for the first day in a long time. There is a sadness in this rain, but a fresness & a newness in it too.

It may sound funny to say, but I am looking forward to Lent.

My Staff in Mexico

Pastor Joel & Carmen

David

Tim and some of our Girls

Jen & me

Saturday Afternoon

In true west coast style I spent the afternoon up in the mountains today.

For the last three years a bunch of people from my church have been going up to one of the local mountains here (Seymour mountain) for an afternoon of snowshoeing. Of course, this was my first time joining the group, and it was such a great time! -- What an amazing way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Besides the sheer physical satisfaction of using all those muscles that you never get a chance to use, it was great to get to spend quality time with good people. Church can be a funny thing if the only time you see the people who go there is on Sunday morning. For me the afternoon really helped me feel connected to the church & its people in a real and natural way.

The day was gorgeous too. Though it was cloudy and a bit cold, it turned out to be great weather for the event. Although Vancouver is completely bare of snow (as it is most of the time), there was plenty of snow on the ground by the time we had driven up the mountain to where the ski hill and snowshoeing runs are. Halfway through our trip beautiful big flakes began to fall, coming down softly with the gentle breeze. It truly made the afternoon feel complete as a winter event!

Saturday morning

I'm currently cleaning my house. It has gotten to the point where I can't stand it anymore. So, I got up early on Saturday to clean my house. I'm also eating oreo's and drinking coffee. A breakfast worthy of my mission this morning. My house is rotten to begin with but and I feel like I just need to bleach it everday. I restrain myself but I decided it was worth it to scrub it again. Now, I just have to keep all my visitors out so they don't make it messy. Just kidding. Even if I wanted to it would be impossible. We have a house in El Paso that I am currently staying in. It is really the staff house so my fellow staff who live in Juarez use it to crash in which is perfect. It is what they need and I love to cook for them and take care of them. So, I don't really mind the mess. Just this morning. My fellow co-workers are Jen, David, Mike, Gordon and Carolyn, Tim and Debbie and Pastor Joel and his family. I'm going to find some pictures of them so you can meet them. Warning, they are all crazy, but not as crazy as me.

This is me in Mexico

Typical picture of missionary with kid, but I hate pictures so I avoid them so there are only a few good ones of me and this is one of them.

Greetings from Mexico

Hello All!
I guess I'm back! It's so good to hear from you all. I almost sound Texan there. I do live in the amazing border of Mexico and Texas. That just makes for a interesting mix. I actually love it. So, I work in Mexico. I'm a missionary for better or for worse. Right now I feel like if I quit I would be in direct disobedience to God. Sometimes when I'm stress I really just want to leave and go do something normal (I know that doesn't exist, but I live in some kind of realm of extreme abnormality) and God always tells me that would be in disobeying. And I although I often disrespect God and do not treat his as I should I just cant stand the thought of really disobeying him. I also know that when I try to pull away from God, he always pulls me back because I screw up. So, this is partly why I'm here. Anyway, one day I will tell you all about my life here. I don't have the energy to go into it tonight. So for now, I only wanted to say hello.

pictures

can anyone tell me how i can post pictures? i know im supposed to be a software engineer and all, but i can't seem to get 'picasa' and 'hello' (the two programs they recommend using on the blogger help site) to ACTUALLY put a picture online where it is of use to me. i was able to do it once when we first started to blog, but i haven't been able to since. what i want to do is put a picture of myself somewhere online so that i can use it in my profile.

anyone?

intimidated by busy-ness

So frustrated. I just got off the phone with an old friend from high school and i am feeling deflated and intimitdated. Really, I should feel excited for her about how satisfied she seems: she's got a fancy job (well, two jobs really, yes 2 full-time jobs), is just finishing her degree at university (yes, full-time studies), she's cheerleading on the All-Stars team (as well as coaching, and judging for the sport), she's on all kinds of committees, and has been publishing all kinds of papers and flying all over the world.

SHE IS SO BUSY! Ugh. It makes me feel so rotten about the fact that I can barely put in 40 hours at work, and don't do a whole hell of a lot outside of those 40 hours. What happened to my getupandgo? I've got to get out of this contemplative 'Mary' lifestyle.

Sorry I just had to vent there. (That's allowed here, right?)

Ah, friends. Please stop me from allowing this to disintigrate into a spiral of self-pity and deprication. What a sorry mess that would be. (Am I allowed to ask for help? I am still testing the 'rules' and etiquitte of blogger-land. Thanks for your grace.)

2 more thoughts

1) If anyone is reading this I apologize for my (apparently chronic) verboseness. The words seem so much longer when they're on the blog than in the little box you write in.

2) I am thinking about changing the colours on the site. I liked the black at first: simple, clean, etc. But it's a little dark, and maybe a little boring. Now that I've got some web designing skill maybe I can spice it up a little. Of course I need to get approval from my two fellow posters (is that the right term?), but I would love to hear anyone else's opinions.

(p.s. is anyone reading this, christy? Or is it just the 3 of us and your LQ housemates --> hello Jess!!)
p.p.s. our picture is huge. and a little out of date. surely we have some newer ones...

5 days of sunshine

Well, in an attempt to make ammends and rejoin the world of the living (well, at least the world of communicating) I am heartily taking up Christy's call to re-blog. My most sincere apologies to all the friends who have already put me in the 'never going to call/write back' category. (It is nothing personal, I SWEAR!) Here's to hoping my heartiness will last...

So lately I've been obsessed with trying to be honest. I think that Christy (and probably Susana too) would probably say that I have always been this way, but have been trying to add depth and thoughtfulness to this honestly in recent times. I think this is not a bad place to do it. Really, if you want to be super-open about all of your personal thoughts and feelings that you've maybe never shared before, what better place to do so than the internet? ;0)

What to talk about -- how about the weather? Well, contrary to Christy's post from yesterday, we've actually had about 5 days of sun in a row here in Vancouver. (HOLY CRAP!) I seriously thought that I was never really going to get to see the sun again, and that when it came out (every 3 weeks or so) it was just to taunt us and prevent us from accepting a sun-less world. And so I lived as a slave to the grey, clinging to a small sliver of hope that the sun would someday return.

Ironically enough, now that it is back I spend most days inside not able to enjoy it anyways. But let's not get too carried away with complaining.

Speaking of irony, what is irony anyways? I don't think that this is really an example of irony, unless you think that it is dramatic irony and that God is the audience sitting and watching me walk into my dreary grey-walled windowless office just at the moment as the sun peak out from behind the clouds. (Is that even what dramatic irony is? My memory of grade 12 English class is hazy.) My uncle Mike, who is a very smart man, once pointed out to me that in Alanis Morisette's song, most of her stories are not examples of irony.

Is it ironic that I spoke about my conviction to express deep and thoughtful honesty and then went on to talk of such pithy things as the weather and Alanis Morisette? Thoughts anyone?

peace. and love.
zoe

vancouver ho!

so it's almost official. i'm moving to vancouver.

sorry to those of you who are reading this on the blog and are offended because i haven't told them in person yet. what can i say, i didn't see a ton of people today.

i'm taking a job at Mac donald Dett wiler & As sociates where i worked when i lived in Vancouver two years ago. it's an engineering firm that "provides advanced information solutions that capture and process vast amounts of data, produce essential information, and improve the decision making and operational performance of business and government organizations worldwide" -- whatever that means. (I seem to gravitate to organizations and programs whose purpose and activity are inarticulable. Guess I don't really like boxes.)

for me that means a job where i get paid salary and work on a team to help build software that will be used by the US Air Force and the FAA (if their contract goes through). my particular role will be to try and break the software. i like this job. working on the "test team", i'll get to make sure that what the program that the "developpers" write actually meets its requirements. this involves reading official USAF documents, some math, some ingenuity, Microsoft Word skills, and a lot of repetition in executing the tests.

but that's just the technical part. i'll also get to be working and sharing space with a group of very cool (though often socially awkward), and inevitably loveable people. maybe God will do some crazy-powerful and miraculous things in the 4 months that my contract extends for. or maybe i'll just make some better friends, and help people to see outside their box a little. like i said before, it is part of my job to break things, why not break open people's minds? i like that job too.

i know i skipped over a whole section of the program and my life between this entry and last. However i've learned that you certainly can't do everything in life, but you certainly can do some things.

a bientot

This is not about the ocean!

So, this weekend, I went to a drive in movie theater. This is a stupid thing to do. But last week, I started work, and I had a cold, so every day after work I would go home and go to bed because I felt so sick. So, by Friday night I was so tired of staying home that when Adam asked me if I wanted to go, I said I was interested. So, let me tell you why this was a stupid thing to do. The drive-in theater was in the valley which is about an hour outside of Halifax. The movies only started at 9pm. I was still very sick and generally should have been in bed by 9. And lastly, this was stupid because one of the movies was XXX: State of the Union. But I felt like going out so off we went. I convinced Ruth that she should come and Jane also agree to come, so in the end it was 3 girls and Adam. This made it fun. And the other movie was Hitch which is a less stupid movie. So, Jane, Ruth and I made fun of XXX which you can do to a point. The thing that eventually ticked us off was the bad English these guy's spoke. After about 15min it was really hard to take. And if your thinking about watching Hitch, let me just tell you the moral of the story. You know if it is true love on the third date. Anyway, it ended up being fun, which just goes to prove that stupid things are sometimes fun. And I got home at 2:30am and promptly slept until 11:30 the next morning. And spent the day at home trying to get over my cold, which did go away on Sunday.

sleepin' in the park

after threats of threats from katelyn, im back. before i move on, i'd like to tell some stories about our 48 hour trip in the street, as promised.

At around 4:30 on April 25th, the 5 of us (Jon, Merrin (Victoria LQers), Christy, Susana and I) set out for a two day plunge into the heart of one of Canada's roughest downtow cores with no money, no food, and no clothes except the ones on our backs. We brought along sleeping bags, and a couple of cell phones and ID hidden away in socks. But for the most part we were at the mercy of the city, like hundreds of others in Vancouver's downtown east side.

Here are a few exerpts from my journal about the experience:

Reaching Main St. I tried to look "somber" and fit in. We asked two men for a good cheap place to eat. I couldn't stop staring at his yellowing teeth and bleeding lip. We asked about a free meal. They seemed friendly and helpful, but not surprised, as I had anticipated.
...
(Free dinner at a mission)
The sermon was condescending, and incoherent. The smartly dressed preacher and his matchng wife were selling a way to salvation by talking about Zerubabel, and about a "friend" who he'd helped overcome alcoholism. 'Your resources are not enough' he told us. 'You need help.' I reacted strongly. He didn't speak with an ounce of humility or genuine compassion. The only real emotion he was emitting was fear... We felt like cattle.
...
We sit inside at a table by ourselves though people are all around us. I am feeling quite desperate to fit in. I want to make conversation and interact with people. I try to look more scared than I actually am because I feel like that will make me appear like a newcomer to the scene, a traveller perhaps. One man asks if we are new around here. I ask him how he can tell. "You don't look like addicts" he says. We are both silent. He gets up to leave.
...
Walking down Carrall St I had a thought to stop and talk to the woman on the corner at the old Woodwards building. We had seen her there before and I was curious to find out why she was sitting there and thought she was a prime person to get some interaction with.

Behind her was a red flag with a black cross on it. She was wearing a big floppy straw hat with a wide rippled brim that came down low and covered her face. She had a box set up as a table in front of her with a basket and a small can for change, but it was pretty obvious that she wasn't panhandling. Beside her was a wheeled shopping basket. She was reading the Bible. 1 Corinthians.

I asked her what she was doing sitting there. I felt a bit awkward starting up the conversation. She looked at me. "Praise de Lord, my chile!" Her face lit up as her eyes met mine. It was almost like she already knew me. She was strange looking. Hers wasn't the face I was expecting to find under the patched brim of floppy straw. She was neither soft nor gentle. Her eyes were large and they were opened wide. Her stare was piercing, but her eyes were hazy, almost milky with what I assume to be cataracts. But I knew she could see me.

In a strong Jamaican accent she began to speak to us. "I be here to tell the people to repent." She spoke loudly and with much strength in her voice. I felt vulnerable when she looked at me. "The people -- there be sin all aroun' dis place. And de people need Jesus." I was excited, as I get when I hear people who speak Jesus' name, and of knowing God. Feelings of sympathy, agreement and love struggled against the fear and vulnerability which I felt when she looked at me. She went on. I felt slightly embarassed at the spectacle we were making. But these people make nothing of spectacles. It is part of the normalcy here.

Other people passed by. A transvestite stopped for a brief, patronizing conversation. A man shouted a warning that she practiced voodoo, calling her a witch. Another man came up and put some change in her basket. He had a patch on his eye and was wearing all black. He listened intently. I was curious to see what the man wanted from her, but Jon rightly said that we had to go get lunch. The sun was getting hot. I still wonder what they talked about.


I could proably go on forever, but will stop here for now. I can only apologize so many times for my long-winded-ness. But, if there is demand, I'll publish some more.

Susana & Ocean

Oh how I love thee (the ocean that is). So, last week we were at Camp Malagash on the North Shore of Nova Scotia. I spent so much time on the beach that I got this horrible cold that keeps me awake at night and that just won't go away. Christy loved warm, lush and beautiful Vancouver, but I love cold, dreary and rugged Nova Scotia. Perhaps I loved and found more beautiful my week at Malagash because there was less stress than in Vancouver. So, I spent the week on the beach, enjoying all the beautiful pictures God was painting everywhere. I did not get the rest I need and so my moods changed with the weather and the wind. I would be on a high because it would be sunny and everything was fun, and the next moment a cloud came in and I was so exhausted and ready to crash and yell to the world "Fine, you win!". I have no idea what I thought the world had againt's me. It was an emotional roller-coaster. My heart would want to break at the slightest thing. Over a piece of Seaglass I found because it was so beautiful, or over a vulnerable look I saw on someone's face.. Anyway, I guess this sarcastic and insensitive Manitoban is slowly going soft. But it is true that when God blesses us abundantly, you begin to take responsibility for the blessings around you and things can get uncomfortable or real. But I know it is always for my good, so I must just deal. Anyway, it was sunny everyday, people had a great time. I got to spend as much time as I wanted with the Abarbanel Clan (major highlight) and one afternoon, I went Clam digging with Jenna, Ruth and Zoe. This was the most fun thing ever. I had never dug clams before. And clams are so cool and disgusting. You too should try it if you have the chance. We did not eat the clams but properly left them in the ocean to live a happy life after we had named them. It was really fun.

Hello Everybody!

I'm back. Sorry about the extreme lack of blogging. In my defense, I have not had much access to a computer in the last month. I usually had it at least once a week. So, I should have at least given updates as should my fellow LQer's but they didn't and neither did I. So that was a needless slam on Christy and Zoe (Sorry, but hint, lets all start blogging again). Anyway, I'm so overwhelmed with my life. It is crazy. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a whole and hide from the world for a while and make everything stop just long enough to catch my breath. But when I do catch my breath there is so much to reflect on that I can't do it in one breath. And to top it all off. I have a cold. Now, I realize that there are much worse things to have than a cold but I still would rather not have it.
Anyway, So, the last month for me has been, a week in Manitoba(wonderful), 2 weeks in Vancouver (hard), and 1 week at camp Malagash here in Nova Scotia(I'll tell you about it in the next entry). My last week in Vancouver was very hard. I don't believe I have ever had so much stress in one week. We did an Urban Plunge for 48 hours. I have no idea how to describe it. It was one of those experiences that made me be angry with myself, our culture, our city's, our government and our churches. I hate it when I respond to things that are screwed up in this world with anger. I do it all the time. That is totally the wrong way to solve a problem and it is definitely not Godly. In our urban plunge we tried to give up our power that we hold in the world and try to experience what it is like to be powerless and also to stand in solidarity with the powerless in our society. I realized that I love my power and I didn't want to give it up and also refused to give it up some of the time. Also everyone I met saw that I had power and told me to take it back and make something of my life. The powerless would tell me to get a job because I could and would people with power. And I would agree with them, that I have power and am responsible for it and need to use it to contribute to the world I'm in. So, I was not accepted, and I didn't like who I was either. Jesus gave up his power for the world, but I'm not Jesus. There are times in life that we do need to give up our power and stand with the powerless or give our power to them. This I know. It is not easy but I do hope that I will always be able to do it when it is required of me. I also learnt that our culture, our community's, our governments, and our churches do not often treat the powerless in our world with dignity and respect. Nor do the give them their power back. They only take more from them. So, if any of your are looking for a calling in life, here is one very few are working with. I realize I used the word power a lot. By that I mean the marginalized in our culture. Some of these are the poor, the mentally ill, our elderly, and many more.
So, that was that week. I don't think I laughed at all that week.