Oh, Susana

Okay, so I have ten minutes to blog. There are a few things I've been thinking to write about. But before I get to those I'd like to take this opportunity for a public slam. Adam remarked to me this morning that Susana has been slacking, and not living up to her decision to post every day. Just an observation... (I never committed to doing such a thing, so I can rationalize my stone throwing.)

Last night at about 8pm I was sitting at my computer and realizing that if I didn't get up, I would be stuck doing useless procrastinatory things all night. So I called Susana. (One lesson we've been learning is in order to grow, we need other people.)

She was on her way out to do some errands, including buying a spring-form pan for one of her famous (delicious) cheesecakes. I went with her. We had some trouble finding the right pan, and went to about 5 stores before finding a suitable candidate. Standing in the Bay searching for the right one, Susana was getting (understandably) frustrated. I taunted her a litte bit: "Maybe God is trying to teach you some patience." In the best straightforward, no-crap Susana voice she could muster, she told me "I don't have time for patience." I laughed out loud.

Please remember that I love Susana dearly. I don't think I'd be able to get away with writing all of this in such a public space if she didn't know that.

(Sus - if you hate me now, please let me know and I'll take this off. kisses, z.)

My AMAZING Stroll

So, I went on the most amazing hike today! I spent all morning reading and by 2pm I needed to get out of the house. It was raining so I decided I would just go for a short walk. So, I got all bundled up, and started walking down to the water. Then Zoe call me and I invited her to join me and it turned out to be beautiful outside. It actually rained the whole time but it was a light drizzle and it wasn't cold at all and most importantly, there was no wind. We were walking down by the northwest arm and we wanted to stick close to the water however there is no one street that goes along the shore. This was a problem that was easily overcome by finding paths or houses that looked empty so nobody would know we walked across there yard. We found beautiful houses, and a movie set (no famous actors around) and a whole bunch of house for sale which we decided should be check out. But the best part was that it smelt like spring. It was so beautiful. Actually it smelt like BC with twist. Halifax send there sewage into the ocean so it smelt like BC plus sewage. The other best part was that I had Zoe for company. The adventure was the better for it.

I feel ugly (II)

So, there's nothing like saying you feel ugly and then people will come and tell you you are beautiful. It's almost like I was fishing for a complement. I decided to blog about this subject because I found it interesting how I intpreted the comments and how they ate away at my mind even though I thought I had dismissed them. So, anyway Ron in his comment linked it to a frightening picture of what I could potentially look like. You should all check it out. And yes, compared to that I do look beautiful. Which reminds me, today I was reading Galatians and I came upon the verse "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (v4,5) That says to me that I should not compare myself to others to make myself feel more or less beautiful. Now, I already knew this, but isn't it funny how we do it anyway? Just to clarify, I don't actually think I'm ugly, most of the time I have to work on being more humble as I am a confident person and I sure do like to boast about the things I'm good at. Often when people complement me I say "I know", not "Thank you". But to all of you who do or have complemented me "Thank you so much".

I feel ugly!

OK, so I don't normally care about my appearance. I happen to think I look fine! I know I'm not flawless, but who is, and I'm not going waste my time trying to look perfect. There are so many better things to do with my time. I generally spend about five minutes getting ready for my day. Mostly, I put on casual clothes, brush my teeth and put my hair in a ponytail. I purposely grew my hair long, because I happen to think it's beautiful and long hair looks more like I care about my hair. So, in order to not have to do any work and maybe look professional, I grew it long. It's just a disguise. Sadly I just put it in a ponytail. Last week some people made some comments about my appearance. They weren't hurtful things, just suggestions for improvement. I was shocked. They were simple things like, have you considered contacts? They use the old line of your eyes are beautiful so you should wear contacts. And also maybe that I should exercise which I took to mean you should lose some weight. I know that these things might improve my appearance, but once again I don't really care. After these comments, I thought I dismissed them from my mind, however, over the last few day's they have been on my mind. My first though on Easter Sunday was, maybe I should go running this morning. I hate running and why did I think of that instead of Jesus. I was surprised that I kept thinking about them, and then today, I realized I was considering getting contacts. I couldn't believe these comments had affected me so much, and were making me feel insecure. Then I thought, I think it's important for people to become comfortable with our imperfections. My desire for those people who made these comments, is that they learn to see and love all of me just as I am. To also see everyone else as wonderful, not based on their appearance. We have such a tendency to judge based on appearance in this society. It is such a huge problem.
Needless to say, I am seriously considering exercising more and getting contacts. Does that totally seem like I don't practice what I preach. If it is any consolation to you all, I probably will not exercise. I have never been able to stay committed to exercising.

Good Friday (II)

Halfway through composing I noticed that Susana has just posted on this topic. Instead of cursing, I will edit to use her post to help convey my thoughts. (Take note Susana -- cursing doesn't ever work to your advantage!)

***

I just finished watching an episode of the Band of Brothers. I found it sombering and a fitting activity for Good Friday. As I sit and listen to a beautifully mournful line of harmony repeat itself in my mind, I embrace the sorrow that I find in my heart.

One night working at camp as a counsellor, the speaker told a story to illustrate Jesus' sacrifice. He told a moving story about a man who, to save a whole train full of people, willingly gave his life. The speaker then used an illustration: sin (represented by a saucer) blocked the blessings (water) which God wanted to pour into our lives (a cup). He said that Jesus was like the man in the story; because of his sacrifice the saucer was not only moved away, but broken forever. He dropped the saucer and it broke on the ground. There was power in his story-telling. Kids who already knew the story were moved to tears. A girl from my cabin cried for over half an hour while I sat with her.

As I sat in the chapel at King's this morning for the Good Friday service, the memory of this girl from camp came back to me as I thought again of the same story of Jesus' sacrifice. I don't know what was going through her head as she cried, and I'm not sure she could have articulated it herself. But there was something so beautiful and rich in the depth and sincerity of her sadness. The memory made me want to muster that same sadness for myself.

I can understand why some Christians do not observe the structure and ceremony of the liturgical calendar. But for whatever reason they've not embraced it, I can't help but feel that perhaps they may be missing something. (Yes Susana, that's you.)

I don't want to say anthing radical or anything judgemental here. But there is something so good about allowing God to produce in us such deep feelings of sorrow and sadness that would move us to irrational tears. And I think that God works through ceremony to help us to identify with this day and with the Cross. Ceremony (including the music, the liturgy, etc.) can be a really good storyteller when we let it: it can go beyond words.

Not all Christians need religiously observe Good Friday, but I do hope that at some point we are all brought to our knees with unbidden tears for the sadness of our situation and what God has done in remedy of it. There is definitely hope beyond Good Friday, but there is a richness to be found in dwelling for a moment in the darkness and sadness of what this day represents.

z.
(p.s. sorry sus, it is really long. i tried.
p.p.s. sorry this is so serious and dramatic. i'll be more light-hearted next time, i promise.)

Good Friday

So, it is my opinion that there should be a post on our blog everyday. Therefore, every night on my way up to bed, I check to see if anyone has posted, and if they don't I debate (in my head) whether or not I have the energy to blog. At this present moment I'm going to force the energy out of me.
It's Good Friday today, so I have been thinking about Jesus and the cross. Here are some of my thoughts. I find it difficult to identify with Jesus (as in put myself in his shoes), I like his teachings a lot and I love him, but I have difficulty identifying with him. Sometimes I get a glimpse, however I have never been able to identify with him on the cross or leading up to it. This morning my first thought was it's Good Friday, and Jesus, you have to die today. My prayer then was "Sorry Jesus, I'm sorry your fate is that you are going to have the crappiest day ever today". There was no 'thanks for doing that' thoughts in my head. Then I kept thinking about it and how I just can't identify with this day. I think to myself, your Jesus, you knew this was what you were going to do and, I'm more excited about the fact that you came back three day's later and fulfilled your promises. And that you built up your relationships with the people you loved. And then I thought, Yeah, the crucifixion is huge, and vital to what Jesus did for us, but there is so much more to the story and what he did. So, I don't just have to focus on this part and make this the whole story. And I do hope to be able to identify with the cross some time, but I guess it won't be today.
I think I just tried to justify myself or defend my lack of understanding on a part Jesus in this post. Welcome to my brain. And I'm interested in your thoughts in this subject.

Sabbath Day

So, I just watched the Passion of the Christ. And now I'm very awake, so I thought I would blog. Ok, so I don't really want to talk about the movie, but I will say this. I found it difficult to identify with Jesus, however, I could identify with his mother. I cried for her through the whole movie.

Moving on! So today, I decided to take a Sabbath for half a day. By that I mean a day of rest, and time alone with God. I didn't have to meet anyone until 4pm and my house was empty so I just decided not to work. It was so relaxing. I've been so busy lately, I don't have time for Sabbath's. And I knew, I was really having a Sabbath when I did not clean up after myself in the kitchen. Normally, I always clean up. But today, I did not clean out the dishwasher until after dinner. It is pathetic that I know I'm having a Sabbath when I stop being domestic. But I'm really such a person. I don't know if I'm a totally a Martha, but I sure have a lot of her qualities. But I do have some of Mary's as well. And besides, it's not my fault that I am domestic. It's just a gift that I have to learn to control and use for service of others, not just for my peace of mind. And if you have a proper Sabbath, you can also let your mind go and let it go to all those place you don't when you are busy and trying to accomplish things. So, that's what I did. It really helps one get a better perspective on life.

And I hope you all have a grand day tomorrow!

I've become a morning person!!!

I've become a morning person againt's my will. By this I don't mean that I'm cheerful in the morning. I'm hardly every cheerful. That would be expecting too much of me. However, for you faithful reader's you may know that my first post was about my journey to the drugstore before 8am. Currently the problem is, the sun rises earlier, before 7, and it wakes me up. At least, it pulls me out of my deep sleep and then the birds, or any other noise wakes me up (such as other people's alarm clocks). We have some mice that live in the walls and the other day, the mice running around in the walls woke me up. Now something about that is just not right. We have been trying to kill the mice but is proving harder that we thought. Anyway, now I wake up early. I'm not really happy with this state of affairs. Sleep is one of those wonderful things that I love, and hate to be pulled out of againts my will. So usually my morning routine is, I spend a few minutes cursing at whatever woke me up. And then I'm really awake and can't go back to sleep so I decide to have my quiet time. Because, my room is cold, I stay under the covers and pray (to tell God my feelings) for a while and then I pull out my bible. If I'm really awake, I sometimes run downstairs and get some coffee. It may be true that I have some anger issues. And then I have this weird, slightly dark, sense of humor. Hence, I find it funny, that I start my quiet time every morning while I'm angry, and would rather be sleeping. Actually, if the sun is out, which has been happening a lot, I cheer up instantly and God and I have a great chat. My bed is so comfortable that I just can't stay angry. And coffee is so wonderful, who could be upset while they are enjoying a cup of coffee with God.

Happy Belated St. Patricks Day

OK, so I'm sorry about the extreme amount of depressiveness in my last post. I was only really depressed for a day, but then the rest of my week was so busy, I never had time to inform you of my other state of mind. So, I'd just like to say, I'm fine, and I haven't decided anything about my life. I didn't really solve the issue, just am no longer stressing about it.

Anyway, yesterday we had a St. Patrick's day Party. It was really funny. There were mostly international students that came, so there was a mix of Chinese, Korean, and a guy from the Bahama's. It was crazy, so many different languages, so many way's of behaving and so much misunderstanding. The guy's from Korea had only been in Canada for 3 weeks. I believed they were a little overwhelmed. And then we went crazy and played some kind of crazy Korean number game, and it ended with people singing songs in their own languages. And nobody understanding what they were singing. It was super funny but you probably had to be there.

In other news, I don't have any other news.

It being St. Paddy's Day and all, I thought it a good idea to write a little green note. (Thanks for the idea Katelyn.)



(p.s. I seem to be blogging more lately... it's almost as if I were avoiding other work or something. Any ideas Christy?)

unbidden abandon

Something I recently realized was the singular lack of real fun in my life. I mean the real kind of fun -- not the so-called fun activities which are really more of an obligation than a reckless abandon of all things boring and socially acceptable. I mean the kind of fun that we all used to have when we ran through the sprinklers: the kind that from the outside makes no sense at all, but brings an unbidden smile to anyone who catches a glimpse.

The other week I was out walking on one cool clear night. The stars were bright and inviting of adoration. I was feeling slightly spontaneous already (admittedly, I had some sugar pumping through my bloodstream). As we crossed the street I turned to Josh as if to say "watch this." I stopped, turned to face the oncoming car which was a fair distance away, opened my mouth, bent my knees, threw down my fists and yelled in its direction. It felt glorious! Oh the freedom of letting go of all need to "be aware" of what others think. I did not scream a bloodcurdling scream so as to frighten nearby residents. Nor did I put myself or anyone else in any danger. Josh thought it was hilarious. It was the beginning of a very good night.

I was recently reminded of another silly story, in which my sister Meghan and I decided it appropriate (or at least a good idea) to spend one whole day speaking only in song. Conveniently, we had a job painting together and the only other person with whom it was necessary that we conversed was the manager who brought us our paint, a good friend and amused by our silliness. It was, however, quite freeing to speak to complete strangers as if you were a character in an opera.

I need more of this kind of thing in my life, week, day. You should all try this too. It'll be a group project. Really let go and give it a shot. Though not always easy to bring forth, the benefits are beyond comprehension. You can almost feel being released from the restrictive sinews of social acceptedness. Exciting, isn't it? If you have adventures of recklesness to tell, please, do share.

(The picture above is not of Meghan, but our younger sister Naomi. As you can see this capacity for abandon runs in our family. I love it.)

The meaning of life!

So, what's up folk's? I totally don't know what to write because my head is such a jumble. I'm having one of those weeks where everythings is confusing. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't why I act the way I do, or treat people the way I do. Why I say such stupid things? And what the hell should I do with my life? Pardon the adverb. So, I'm so confused! Anyway, today I went for a long walk. That alway's helps. Nothing like taking the thing that bug's me most and and walking it out of my system. It didn't actually work. Because it was damp and wet outside, so I just got cold and uncomfortable and was more confused. I'll let you know when I resolve this. Or one of you can tell me the meaning of my life and solve the whole issue for me.

However, I'm just making bread. Cooking alway's makes me feel better. I wish I could just stay at home and cook everyday. I still think I would like a copout marriage to some rich guy so I won't have to worry about money or people. I highly doubt God is going to grant that wish.

Dinner in Abarba-ville

After a conversation with Susana, and a realization that my last entry was very long, I have decided to attempt more manageable "blog-bytes". So here we go...

Tonight I went to the Abarbanel house for dinner. This is one of my most favourite parts about Sundays (or even the whole week). Ron and Marsha have 5 of the most wonderfully bouncy, eccentric, energetic, creative and diverse kids I've ever met. It is always a great adventure hanging out with them. And I love adventures.

For the past 3 weeks the whole Abarba-house has been sick with some kind of disease or other. It is not a wonder that I haven't been over for dinner in a month. Even though most of them are coming out the other side (Ron seems to be right in the thick of sick, but pulling through), the air in their house was thick with germs. I didn't bring my gas mask, so I had to hold my breath for the hour I was there. Likely because of their hurting immune systems they were a little less energetic than usual. Nice for Ron and Marsha, I'm sure.

Yesterday, however, was another story. As you can read about in their blog -- a must-visit site(http://abarbablog.blogspot.com), Susana and I brought 55 chocolate-chip cookies and a freshly baked loaf of bread over to their house yesterday afternoon. By morning, all but four of these cookies were eaten by 5 of the 7 in the house (Marsha and Katelyn (13) cannot eat milk products).

At dinner I reaped benefits from my hours of slaving over and tending to said bread. Matt (7) told me that he liked my bread. And that he wanted me to work in the kitchen of his restaurant. You see, Matt is the youngest (and most creative) entrepeneur I know, and over a year ago started forming "Deep Sea Chicken" and enlisting people to work in it. I was very honoured and flattered to be asked. And even though I was demoted to working sorting the money with Beah (no offense to Beah), I was still happy. I get to wear a Tilley hat to work. (http://deepseachicken.com/ and http://www.deepseachicken.blogspot.com/ check them out too.)

oops. this is still really long. i'll have to try harder next time.

I Succumb...

Well, after such a PUBLIC repremanding, I suppose I must do something about it.

(It's not that I don't think about blogging -- I swear I do. It's the whole putting my thoughts into action that I have issues with. If you pay attention, you may find that this is an underlying theme of my entries to this blog.)

So the other day it was Monday. And for us kiddos on LeaderQuest (and for Ron too) this means that it is the Sabbath. (YAY!) Most Christians hold the Sabbath on Sunday (for Jews it's on Saturday), but one thing that we have learned is that the "day of rest" can (and even should) be individualized for each person. It a day resting, resting from work and from the nasty habits we've picked up from living in the production-oriented world that we live in (like worry, scheduling, the need to get things done). It is also a day of embracing God and the good things he wants us to have and be. I like to think of it as a chance to feel like a kid again. But I digress...

So it was Monday, and my Sabbath, and I decided to take the morning to hang out at the apartment of my two good friends Matt and Josh who have a gorgeous 11th floor view of Halifax and the harbour. It was going to be a good morning, and a good day -- I could feel it. I ended up spending most of the morning with Matt as he was home sick. He could barely talk, so it was nice and quiet. (I enjoy talking with Matt, but was enjoying company without needing to talk.) The day went on, I read, I soaked in the view of the sky and the ocean and the people all walking busily far below. I met Josh for lunch, met Christy on campus for a free-flowing dance date and it was good. Good even when I broke a window trying to get air flowing in the hot room we were dancing in. It was nice, I didn't even feel the need to worry about it.

Then I went to the university health clinic where I had agreed to meet Matt to help him talk to the doctor. As soon as the doctor had asked him a few short questions, heard him attempt to talk and taken a look in his mouth, she promptly informed us that he likely had mono, that she was sending him to the hospital, and that he would be there for at least one night. This was unexpected for both of us. I was glad that Matt wasn't alone.

And so were rushed to the ENT (ear, nose & throat) ward of the Victoria General hospital and after a short wait, more asking, listening and poking they hooked him up with some steroids through an IV, and we waited for a hospital room, and for Josh to join us. A singularly careless nurse (who did not seem to mind when Matt's wheelchair was wheeling dangerously far ahead of the IV pole) escorted us to his room. At first I was very unimpressed not only by the unfriendliness of the staff, and the dark, unwelcoming feel of the 4-bedded room. I guess you only realize how justified people's demands for better health care are when you experience it first(or second)-hand. Cuts to health care is a big issue I am now convinced. This whole time Matt seemed to be handling things very well. He couldn't really express much in words, but it seemed from the expression on his face that he was pretty positive about the whole thing especially considering the fact that he had never before been poked with an IV, nor had he ever spent the night in a hospital. I was impressed at his courage and attitude.

As I hung out with Matt -- played x's and o's, told stories about my weekend, read to him, and watched Star Wars with him on his laptop, I was really surprised and gladdened by the fact that it still seemed to feel like such a Sabbath. I wasn't reading my Bible, or deeply mediating on God, or singing God-songs, but I was resting. There wasn't anything that I was worried about getting done, there was nowhere I had to be, I could simply enjoy the company of the people in that hospital room. And it was nice to know that I was getting the privilege of helping someone in a really practical way -- surprising or not, it's not very often that students (or people in general for that matter) can let themselves be/seem helpless enough to allow others serve them. I left the hospital that night joyfully refreshed. I even danced in the elevator and in the hallway when no one was looking.

Jodi told me that I am starting to get what the Sabbath is all about. Something about flowing with the rhythm of the day. In any case, it was a good day.

Zoe, Christy & Susana 

Random

So, I've noticed my teamates are not very faithful blogger's and although I feel guilty about reprimanding them publically, I have gotten enough comments from the Abarbanel gang that I feel a need to take action, so here goes:
Zoe, maybe you should take your blogging guilt seriously (except leave the fear of Jody out of it.)
Christy, I would reprimand you however I don't even know if you read the blog or my entry's, however on behalf of Katlyn and Dan I beseech you to blog.
There, I did it and I don't feel that guilty. And for all you people who were wondering if you should become my friends, take note, I will humilate you publically.

And now for something about me. It was raining today! Raining and gray! What is a person to do on a rainy gray day. Actaully, I got alot done. I spent all morning on the computer, after which, I hated that particular computer and I may have cursed at it and called it some names. But the important thing is that I got work done, not that my ralationship with computers got worse again. Maybe, one day, God will bless the earth by getting rid of computers and then we can all just go back to writting on paper, and talking to each other.

And last week, I read the book, All the Pretty Horse's. It was wonderful! Full of cowboy's, horses and Mexico. I highly recomend it. However, I forgot the authors name. It's a great movie too.

My attachment to places

So it is definatly time for me to write again. I didn't last week because I was out of town. (I realize that this is the lamest excuse ever, since we live in a technogical world where you can access anything from anywhere.) However, my parents computer would not let me log on.

So, I was in Manitoba last week. It was nice. Manitoba has a distinct feeling of home to me which is why I love Manitoba. However, when I flew into Halifax, I was overwhelmed by how beautiful it was. It is so beautiful that it just make's you want to stay here. I generally get attached to places I spend considerable time in. This is begining to really get me in trouble. I love Manitaba, because it feels like home and I love my friends & family. I love Victoria & Vancouver because they are so beautiful and warm. I'm inclined to agree with a friend of mine who say's BC is Canada's promise land. And I generally resent all people living there because while it is -10 here it is +10 there. This is just unfair. And I love Nova Scotia because it is so laid back, so full of character and beautiful. Then there is Mexico and Texas. I love the desert. It's lovely and hot, it's wild and there is a distinct pleasure in living in a desert when I have spent my whole life in lush green places or in snowy wet places. So you see my heart is torn & attached to so many different places. And soon I must make a decision about what to do next year. This is extremly difficult as I want to be in all of these places. And each one of them is special and unique and would be wonderful. I don't know what I will do. But I still have some time before I have to decide. And then there are all the places in the world I have not yet gone. I resolved this year, not to travel anywhere new because then that would just be another place I would want to stay. However, in some secret corner of my heart is a distinct desire to go to Europe.

Anyway, there is a my love of places. I just thought you all should know about them.

Blogging guilt (already)

Alright. So the other night I had a dream that Jodi called me. Jodi is the LQ staff who is the one who makes sure that we get our assignments done, and also makes sure that we're doing okay too. She's kind of like a boss, but not really. In my dream she was very angry. I was telling her about all the things I had done during reading week last week. She wasn't impressed that I had finished more than I had to for the LQ bible study on Acts, and she didn't even really didn't seem to care that I hadn't sent her any of the assignments she had asked for by the end of the week. Nope, all she cared about was: The Blog. No matter what I said, all she replied with was "But did you do any work on The Blog?", and "What I really care about is The Blog", and "The most important thing is The Blog." (Which is kind of funny because I wasn't even really aware that that she knew about this blog.)

And so here I find myself at 11:55 at night, writing to propitiate a dreamworld-created Jodi-monster and pacify the guilt it incited. (Sigh.) Unlike Susana, I hadn't promised myself that I would write in any particular increment. So much for avoiding guilt by not setting goals to not live up to.

I'd like to write more than this tonight. But let's remember that we shouldn't allow that dark and ugly thing we know as guilt to push us around.

"It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three--sin, guilt, death--are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!
With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort."

1 Corinthians 15:56-58 (The Message)

And so I take my leave, asking the pardon of the audience for the shortness of this entry. My work now is to sleep. And my hope is that by diligence and by grace I will be free from these ugly monsters that haunt me by night.

adieu, and buenos noches.